Betaing page for Sisters, but they aren't
ProlougeEdit T'he mother looked out the window at her two daughters, they were practicing with their quarterstaves. ''It should be semi-colon instead of comma or who instead of they "Take that!" Called the older one, striking out.The younger one blocked. There shouldn't be a comma between one and striking "Missed! You couldn't hit a tree in front of you." "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" I like the banter, it shows a lot of personality The mother grinned at them, they were her daughters, but yet they weren't ''Period at end of sentence, semi-colon instead of '''the first comma. Interesting sentence BTW'' She ran a paw over the scar on her leg, she used to be a war-like beast, until that happened. After that, she had taken the path of a healer. She had assisted in delivering her older daughter, and had been away gathering herbs for the next day (when she had thought the birth would occur) when her younger daughter had been born. Semi-colon instead of comma in first sentence. History=good "Mama! I 'it Onepaw's 'ook, and it shattered, she has a peice stuck in 'er pawstump!" Peice should be piece Slicktail shook herself out of her memories. "Ye know whot I need, go get it." She said should be either capitalized or up here with the sentence she said to Redwood. The older daughter nodded and dashed to the herb rack and took down the herbs. She also picked up a few tools. Slicktail nodded her thanks and held out a stick to Onepaw, this sort of thing happened a lot. Onepaw took the stick and put it in her mouth. Slicktail easily pulled out the fragment, and put on the poltice Redwood had made. She then looked up and said "Whot 'ave I told ye two? Carful 'bout each othars paws and 'ook!" she scolded Redwood shifted uncomfertably. "Ah know. Its just, we get carried 'way." Onepaw nodded and spit out the stick "Dun't be mad Mama. Please." Slicktail relented, "All right, but that 'appens too of'en fur mah tase." Redwood grinned "Well Mother Slicktail, I didn't know you ate accidents." Slicktail picked up a broom. "Out! Out! Wildbeasts!" Onepaw and Redwood ran out, laughing. Semi-colon instead of comma in the third sentence. No comma in fifth sentence. Period in between she scolded and Redwood. Uncomfortably instead of uncomertably. It's instead of Its. Spat instead of spit. You should enter every time a new person speaks. It looks interesting though! Yes, they were a family, as much as a rat raising a one-pawed ferret and squirrel could be. Chapter 1Edit It was a night of nightmares. Redwood tossed and turned, scenes from her early life haunted her dreams. Slicktail, before she'd changed, sneering down at her "Littl' squirrel, cume on nah, get up." Running, fleeing, tripping, a hedgehog, picking her up and carrying her. That hedgehog being cut down by an arrow. A ferret killing a molebabe. Running again, a burning house, carrying a babe. Her sister. The house, collapsing, get out! "MAMA!" Redwood screamed, waking. Slicktail ran in, "Whot's the matter?" she said as she held the shaking Redwood close. Redwood said "Just a bad dream but oh! It was scary." Slicktail said "There there, nah I 'ave some 'erbs that will 'elp yuh sleep." Redwood followed her mother into the kitchen and accepted the herbs given to her. "Take these, that should calm, your sleep." Redwood nodded and did as she said. "Nah go back to bed, go on now." Redwood went and lay down, she soon was fast asleep. Slicktail took a dose of them herself, she had been having nightmares herself, all that killing she had done as a youngbeast, under that warlord, Jisky Bloodtooth, so named for the way he executed prisoners. Who knew he clould sire such a goodbeast as Onepaw? "MAMA!" the crycame from Onepaw's room. Slicktail dashed in, "Whot's the matter?" Onepaw was looking frightened, "There was anouther ferret, he looked like me, he was holding me and my paw hurt, the one that's missing. I was underneath anouther ferret and I couldn't breath and there was fire and- oh Mama!" Onepaw grabbed onto the rat and cried into her fur. Slicktail hugged her, "There there, just a dream just a dream. Cum on, we'll take some herbs." Slicktail took a dose of them herself '.' There shouldn't be another "herself" in the next sentence. Should be could instead of clould. Space between cry and came. Another instead of another. And don't forget to enter whenever a new person speaks. 'Could you please underline the 'clould'' that needs editing? Slicktail was thinking, Redwood had had a nightmare of her early seasons, that wasn't as suprising as Onepaw having one from the day she was born! And they both mentioned Jisky Bloodtooth in their dreams, Slicktail's had involved him too, was that a conicidence? Coincidence instead of conicidence. This is getting very intriguing!" The warlord was at that moment, camping not more than an hours march away. He was ruturning to the place where he had slain his mate 18 seasons before. He belived that he also had killed his daughter by setting fire to the place. Now he would kill the other deserter, his healer, Slicktail. Hour's instead of hours. Returning instead of ruturning. Eighteen instead of 18. Believed instead of belived. Interesting The scout walked on, grumbling to himself, he had to get up inthe middle of the night and go find a cabin, a cabin that had burned down seasons ago! "That warlord is goona get us killed and. . ." he trailed off as he spotted the cabin, it wasn't burned down and there was a light inside! He gulped, thinking to the legend of the ghost told to him before he went to his bed and fled the scene in a panic. To instead of ot. Period then "he had to get up..." Space between in and the. Period or colon instead of comma between cabin and it. Should be of instead of to.' Which 'to' needs to be changed to 'of'? 'grumbling of himself'? I'm sorry, I don't understand that.' Slicktail was trying to reason with herself about why all three of the Springferns (as they callled themselves) had nightmares of Jisky Bloodtooth. Only she had taken a dose of sleeping herbs, and she felt her eyes, get, heavy, and, she, was, so, tired. Slicktail fell asleep, at the kitchen table with a light beaming out, showing the vermin the way to her house. Trying to figure it out seems a bit more logical then reason with herself. The next sentence's construction is a bit strange. What are you trying to say? Maybe when you're trying to show the pauses, which is a good idea, you should use elipses or just plain periods. Vermin are coming! 'Yes, I'm trying to show the pauses. Is this better?' Jisky Bloodtooth led his horde up to the place were the house was, according to that gibbering idiot of a scout. He hadn't been very happy with the way that weasel had delivered his report, now fresh blood was staining the already blood-stained teeth, Bloodtooth. Where instead of were. In the last sentence maybe you should put "hence his name" instead of a comma 'I kept the comma but I did add 'hence his name', I thought it read better this way.' He halted the horde at the base of a hill, and took ten beasts with him from that point on. They trooped up the hill and stood at the door, waiting for the signal. Jisky gave it, they all burst in and found the ex-captian ex-healer of Jisky's horde. Jisky pulled his dagger out of his snakeskin belt, the same one he had used to cut off his daughter's paw and kill his mate, and poked Slicktail gently with it, she stirred and muttered "Go 'way, trying ta sleep." Jisky gestued to a fox with him to hand him the bucket of water that was by the door. The fox did and he dumped it on Slicktail's head. Captain instead of captian. Gestured instead of gestued. Vermin have come! Slicktail awoke, and the first thing she saw was bloody teeth. Her gazed traveled upwards to the eyes of Jisky Bloodtooth. Slicktail stood up quickly, so quickly her chair tipped over, and ran for the door, that wasn't there. Mentally bearting herslef for putting herself in a bad spot, she turned and faced the warlord, taking him in.No comma between door and that. Herself instead of herslef. Good so far! He hadn't changed much, a little older, his tawdy silk vest was still on him, still with plenty of brownish stains from executions, there was some fresh ones, she noted, and he still wore the snakeskin belt. That bell was still in his left ear, and that dagger he was so proud of was in his paw. She knew she had changed, in more ways than looks since he had last seen her. "Well well, a deserter, you know how I treat deserters, Slicktail." Slicktail nodded, her thoughs jumping to her daughters, did he know about them? "Ah suppose you are going to do to meh whot you did to Thurn and your daug'er, kill me and let my body burn with the 'ouse?" Jisky looked at her partronizingly, "I didn't kill the whelp, I let the flames do that." Slicktail's last though was, He doesn't know! ''Before the dagger came down and snuffed out her life. ''Colon instead of the first comma in the first sentence. You also may want to break the first sentence up a bit more. He has a bell in his ear? Thoughts instead of thoughs. Thought instead of though. She died! Oh no!' The bell was just a random thought that I just pichted in there, should I get rid of it? 'I was just making sure I got it right. It works Jisky turned away from the body and said "You, set fire to the place." pointing to the fox who'd given him the water bucket. He then left, beliving that all that would be left would be a pile of ashes, not knowing that their would also be survivours, memories, and a quest for vengance. Believing instead of beliving. Survivors instead of survivours. Vengeance instead of vengance. Redwood felt something hot on her paw, she groaned and flicked it muttering "Go 'way Onepaw, Ah'm tryin to sleep." the heat persisted, and got worse. Redwood suddenly woke up and relized that her house was on fire. Still sleepy, the herbs she'd been given were strong, she got up and limped across the floor, her paw had been burned. The fire was catching onto the rug Onepaw had made for her as a seasonsday present. No time for memories, get out of the house, find Mama and Onepaw. Redwood opened the window and climbed out, falling a bit for she was still woozy and her paw really hurt. Redwood went to a safe distance and found some tracks. She recozined a ferret's tracks before she curled up and fell asleep. Capitalize the. Realized instead of relized. You may want to put a period between the floor and her paw. Recognized instead of reconzined. Redwood save Onepaw! Hurry up! Onepaw woke slightly before Redwood did, and in about the same way except for the fact it was her pawstump and not her footpaw that was burned. She reacted initally as Redwood had "Go 'way sister, tryin ta sleep." she muttered and turned over, and woke up when she relized that the house was on fire. Onepaw climbed out of bed and decided to go out the door, that was on the other side of the house than Redwood's window. She walked out her door and saw that the entryhall was about ready to collapse. Onepaw was still woozy, but that didn't slow her down in her sprint across the room, and didn't stop her from busting the door open. By this time Redwood was fast asleep over on the other side of the hill. Onepaw looked about, seeing so sign of her mother or sister she yelled as loud as her smoke-filled lungs would let her "Redwood! Mama! Ere you all right!" no answer. Onepaw felt tears fill her eyes, Their both dead! was the thought that popped into her mind, and beliving it was true, Onepaw dashed away, running blindly, sobbing, crying. This was the first time when she was old enough to understand what was going on that she had lost anybeast close to her. Eventully she collapsed and lay there, sobbing herself to sleep. No instead of so. "Let her ',' " Capitalize no. They're not their. When instead of that. Eventually instead of Eventully. That's sad. I hope they find each other.' Don't worry, they do. Not telling how. 'That's good. :) Redwood awoke first, she stood up and saw nobeast so she did what Onepaw had done "Mama, sister, where are you!" she got no reply either. Remembering the pawprints she'd seen the night before she looked at them, and followed them. Up to the house they went, and they came back in a hurry. They set that fire that killed my family! She relized and to herself she swore an oath. "Every one of these beasts will die by mah paw, this Ah swear on the mem'ry of mah mother and sister." Redwood was an exellet tracker, self-taught with Onepaw's help. She had no trouble finding the place were the horde were camped, Redwood was about to go down and take on the whole horde single-pawed when her burned paw gave out on her. Glancing about she spotted some herbs she knew were good for burns, she tied them to her paw with strips of her tunic. By then she was thinking rationally,'' If I go down there and just light into them, I'll be killed and then who would avenge my family? No I'll follow, find out and kill whoever was there, maybe slay a few extra vermin while I'm at it.'' Done ',' " Capitalize she. Before ',' . Realized instead of relized. Excellent instead of exellet. Period instead of comma between camped and Redwood. Period instead of comma between burns and she. Redwood seems pretty level-headed. I hope she does well. Onepaw woke about that time, and something in her had snapped, she was angry at everything, hated everybeast. Fate had been cruel, and she would be cruel back. Maybe she hadn't killed anybeast in her life, mabye she hadn't set any fires to a building, and let it burn, for the sole purpose of killing a babe, but at heart, she was just as bad as the father she never knew. "You may want to put a period instead of ", and" between time and sometime. It would make it more dramatic. Oh no! Onepaw is evil! She wandered down the road, not caring about the burn on her pawstump. A mouse saw her, and ran and hid. He was in the woods off to her side, she acted like she hadn't seen him, but she had. She stopped and sat on a log, right side to the bushes were he was hiding. The mouse kept still, Onepaw acted like she wasn't used to a lot of walking, groaning and examining her feet and complaining aloud. "Ah dunna why dis is so hard on mah back paws. Oh lookit dis, a b'ister! Ah well, Ah'll git used ta it!" The mouse had been edging forwards, planning to use a hatchet he had to split open Onepaw's head. As soon as Onepaw said "it" he lunged up, and was caught by suprised when Onepaw used her right arm to knock away the hatchet and her left paw to grab the weapon above his paws. "Neva mes wid a Sp'ingfe'n, micy." she sneered, and yanked hard, he let go and Onepaw brought the hatchet down on the mouse's head. "What are you trying to say when you say right side to the bushes? Where instead of were. Onepaw's so young yet violent!'' Just trying to add more detail with the bushes and the right side.'' Onepaw continued down the road, examining her new weapon. It was small, light, but very sharp and on impulse she threw it at a tree, it struck, slightly off than from were she had been aiming, but that was more Onepaw's fault than the hatchet. She pulled it out musing aloud "Vera good 'atchet, good fa close an' fah ran'ed." Period instead of comma in between tree and it. Then instead of than. Where instead of were. Redwood was at this time sneaking up on a gaurd, the horde seemed to be resting today. It was a rat, and it was sleeping, also it hadn't bothered to wash the soot off its fur. Redwood had in her paws a peice of her tunic, for strangling it. It was over very quickly, afterwards Redwood took the rat's dirk, a fine one, too fine for vermin. Guard instead of gaurd. Semi-colon instead of comma. Semi-colon instead of comma. Piece instead of peice. Now Redwood's violent and killing beasts too! The warlord's tent was nearby, maybe he had been there. Redwood snuck over, she was quiet on her paws, even with a limp. She entered, the tent had a hole, the moonlight streamed in from it. Slowly, Redwood moved so that the light was to her face, and then she raised the dirk and plunged down, just as Jisky Bloodtooth turned, so that the light from the full moon hit him full in the face. Redwood gasped and instictivly jerked, and Jisky Bloodtooth awoke to see a bushy tail disapper through a hole in his tent, and with a wound in his shoulder. I'm not sure about the sentence construction of the second and third sentences. Instinctively instead of instictivly. Disappear instead of disapper. He flew out of bed, grabbing the blanket to staunch the blood flow and yelling "Get that squirrel! Get it!" he exited the tent to find most of his horde sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of their eyes. He continued yelling "Get the squirrel! Get that squirrel you mangy lot!" and so forth, kicking the sounder sleepers that hadn't awoken yet. The horde had no idea which way to go, so they stood about, a few asking their messmates what was going on. Jisky Bloodtooth was really angry, he began attacking some of the ones standing about, after that the horde just ran into the woods, looking for a squirrel, who was at that moment, sitting in a nearby tree, badly shaken. Interesting. This paragraph seems pretty good. Redwood was panting, examining her footpaw, it was bleeding now, and wondering. Wondering why that ferret looked so much like Onepaw used to, he could have been her father! But Mama had said that all four blood parents were dead, so he couldn't have been. Mama cou'd 'ave lied. Noh! Sheh wou'n't do that! Those were the thoughts running through Redwood's head, finally she convinced herself it was the moonlight, and that she had only know one other ferret in her clear memory, that made her think he looked like her sister. Convinced, and having stopped the blood coming from her paw, she examined the dirk she had stuck in her belt. Should be and she was wondering. The second to last sentence is a tad confusing but I'm not sure how to fix it.' I tried to fix it, is it better? All my changes are on the real page, not this one. 'Maybe you should split it up some It was a very beautiful weapon, in a deadly way. The handle was wood, wrapped in leather. The steel was of excellent quality, and forged wonderfully. "Where di' a rat ge'a di'k like dis?" she whispered aloud. Then shrugged and stuck it back in her belt. Then she leaned back and fell asleep. Good Onepaw had practiced for most of the day with her new hatchet, eventully continuing down the path after nearly perfecting her skill with it. The moon was rising when she spotted a building, "Ah ne'er!" she exclaimed, for she never until that moment belived Redwall Abbey was nothing but a legend. Should be she had. Believed instead of belived. Onepaw approached, being careful, she had heard about Redwall's hospitality, but who knew what got exaggerated, and what got left out? She walked up to the main gate and stood there, nervous. Onepaw realized she still had blood on her hatchet, so she rubbed it in the grass until she couldn't see anymore. Onepaw then tucked it in her belt, and knocked. Good Jarek the hedgehog gatekeeper was awoke by a pounding on the main gate, accoupanied by a shout "'Ey! Is anyabeas' gonna opeen dis door?" Jarek grumbled to himself as he climbed out of bed. "'EY!" "I 'eard you!" he snapped as he exited the gatehouse. He pulled back the bar and opened the door, a ferret stood there! Accompanied instead of accoupanied. Enter when a new person speaks Onepaw looked at the hedgehog, he seemed about to say something but she cut him off "I not kum ta cuse truble, I jus' want a bed fir tinight, and Ah'll be on mah way tamorra." He looked at her hatchet. "Well a beas' 'as go'a defend 'erself." He hesitated, and held out his paw "Turn that over, and we'll go see the Abbot." Onepaw shook her head "I dunno how much da t'uth bin st'eched." Jarek grunted "Wait here." Enter when a new beast speaks He came back a bit later with a sleepy-eyed mouse, who upon seeing Onepaw commented "Oh, are you the ferret Jarek wanted me to see?" Onepaw shrugged "Depen's is dere any oder one-'awed fe'et 'roud 'ere?" The Abbot nodded, and said "Now, what is all this about, hmmm?" Onepaw shrugged "I jus' wanna plice ta staiy fir da night, den Ah'll beh on mah way tamorra. Ah won' tun ova mah 'achet." the Abbot brow wrinkled as he though, and then he said "Jarek, there's a bed in that small room back in the gatehouse, put her in there, Ah- I suppose she will be alright there for the night in there." Jarek grunted and said "C'mon in then, but don't try nuthin'." Onepaw just smiled and walked through the gate, and into the gatehouse. Enter when a new beast speaks. Capitalize the. Abbot's instead of Abbot. Thought instead of though. "there '.' "' I don't understand the last bit of suggested editing. 'You said put her in there, Ah-I. It should be a period instead of a comma. "Back there." Jarek said as he pointed, and Onepaw nodded and entered the small room, and Jarek promptly slammed the door behind her, and locked it, muttering to himself "Give her a bed for the night in an unlocked room, and we'll wake up dead." He climbed into his own bed, and fell to snoring. Onepaw was in her room, afraid. She needed a way to get out, what if the gatehouse caught on fire, and she couldn't get out? Onepaw calmed herself by thinking Easy nahw, its jus' a lock Onepaw fumbled around in her room, and found a stick, she felt it. It was thin and bendable, long too, perfect. She fumbled her way around to the door, and felt around with her pawstump for the lock. Finding it, she inserted the stick. This time she didn't fumble, she and Redwood had enjoyed picking locks. Stip t'inkin' 'bout Re'woo', sheh's gone, pick da lock. It didn't take long, maybe two minutes, before she heard a click; it was unlocked. Grinning to herself she opened the door, quietly. Then she climbed into her bed and fell asleep. room ''. Jarek " Interesting, Onepaw's at Redwall. I hope this goes well. I hope I helped. KIU! Is your comment 'Jarek" 'a suggested edit or a comment on his name? You did and I will. It meant split up the first sentence I think. Chapter 2 Redwood awoke early, to the sound of a couple of vermin bickering. She ignored them, what they were saying wasn't important; just something about who the bow really belonged to. She brought her footpaw up and took off the bandage and examined her paw, it was a bit better but she still better keep the bandage on. Wait, where did it go? She looked down, and saw a fox and a ferret looking up at her, the fox had her bandage on his head. No comma in the first sentence. In the next sentence switch the semi-comma and comma. Paw period It. Her period The. "Its the bushtail! Get 'er!" It's Said the ferret as he reached for the bow they had been arguing about. This should be up there with what he said. "Gimme the bow. I'm a better shot than you." The fox shook his head and clutched it close. "You won't give it back." The ferret grunted. "Yes I will, sides, that ain't even your bow." 'sides "Is too!" Redwood was about to slip away when the ferret's reply caught her off-guard. "No it ain't, you took it from that 'ouse, the one Bloodtooth 'ad you burn down." It's probably her bow! Good, KIU! Redwood trembled in anger, that was probably her bow! Ah'm not gonna let no stin'in' ve'min kell nohbeast wid mah bow! she thought, and swung down to a lower branch just as an arrow zipped through where she had been sitting a second before. Carefu' Re'woo', ye might be the fi'st beast dead by that bow. The voice wasn't her's it was Onepaw's. Go 'way, yer dead. '' ''Trembled with anger may be better. Hm,she's hearing Onepaw's voice, interesting. "Tink we got 'er?" Asked the ferret, looking up in the tree. The fox shook his head Asked the ferret should be up with what he said. "No I don't now gimme some more- arrcckk!" Don't period. He was cut off with a dirk down his throught. The ferret jumped, and opened his mouth to yell an alarm, Redwood swung down quickly. The same piece of tunic that she used to kill the rat gaurd, she used to gag that ferret. Throat instead of throught. Guard instead of gaurd. "Were ye dere?" She asked, trembling with hatred, the ferret looked confused. "Were ye one o' the ones at the 'ouse?" she said, the ferret looked panicked. "Were ye one o' the ones that killed mah fam'ly?" she shouted, but she never received an answer. She had grabbed his neck, and at that question she squeezed with all th estreot abngth in her paws. The ferret lay there, his neck broken. Ye don't look like mah sista. Cour'e not, 'es not Onepaw. Whout da one las' night? ''The strength instead of th estreot abngth. Interesting, I think you're doing pretty good. Just FYI you're supposed to submit to the beta then post it up. KIU! ''Whoops, I forgot.' Onepaw woke early, Jarek was still in bed; but his snores were not as loud. Onepaw moved out of her room, intending to simply slip by, and exit Redwall, but an idea sprang up in her head. She stopped, and thought on it for a few seconds. She'd do it! Oh, and maybe she could play a small joke on Jarek as well. ''In between sections you could put theree *'s or -'s or a line to show that it's a new section. Just a thought. Switch the semi-colon and comma. No comma after stopped. Onepaw drew her hachet, and stuck it in the headboard of Jarek's bed. Right over his head, Nah, does that pruve ye wrong?'' Ye can wake up alive if I stay da night. I don't know what she's trying to prove. What's her idea? Well, KIU!'' You'll see. Jarek woke, and sat up yawning. There was some kind of stick there, those Dibbuns. He thought, before he pulled it over his head to see it was a hatchet. There was blood on the head! You may want to put those Dibbuns in another sentence "Now, see, ye can wake up alive, if Ah 'ave a room, unlocked." Came a voice. Jarek needed nobeast to tell him, it was the ferret. He turned to face her, sitting on a chair across the room. "Kin Ah 'ave it back now?" She asked, an evil smile exposing her teeth. Jarek held back, "There's blood on it." he stated, showing her. Onepaw's brow wrinkled, Dialogue with who said it. "Ah though' Ah go' rid o' that. Oh will." she held out her paw, "Now, Ah want mah 'achet." Well instead of will. Capitalize she. '''That is how Onepaw pronounced it. Should I downplay the accent a little? ''I was just making sure that's what you wanted'' Jarek hesitated, too long. Very quickly Onepaw got up from her chair and crossed the room. Very quickly she snatched it from his paws. No comma in first sentence. You may want to use another term as well as very quickly "Ye can wake up alive, 'cause Onepaw Bloodtooth don't like killin' sleepin' beasts!" She said, and very quickly, she justified calling herself Bloodtooth. Interesting. She sauntered out of the gatehouse, nobeast knew about the gatekeeper yet, and she wasn't about to let them, until she'd gone. Should I wait till this is beta'd before putting on the real thing? ''Yes! Sorry I took so long.'' Onepaw wandered around the Abbey, only a few beasts were awake and they were the ones in the kitchen. She explored the grounds, taking note of everything. Walls, trees, pond, anything and everything. She looked at the sun and guessed it was about six. D''at would be the'' bes' time. She thought, and went down to the kitchen.' " 'Ello." she said, and frightened the mouse she was speaking too. ''You could rephrase it as "she said frightening the mouse she was speaking to." or if you don't change it take out the comma and to instead of too. "Ahhhh! Vermin!" the frightened mouse screamed, causing some of the kitchen helpers to run and hide, and most to grab some sort of weapon and run over there. Ha! "Ah's peacbl'." Onepaw said, "Ah's 'ungry dough." The friar, a fat squirrel, studied her intently. "How did you get in?" he asked, pointing his weapon -an oven paddle- at Onepaw. You could put commas instead of dashes but I'm not sure "Da gatekipper lit meh in. Abbot tol' 'im too." The young mouse that had screamed asked How the person said with what they said "Should we feed it Friar Yasen?" the friar thought a moment, "Go ahead Alta. Larjay, you go get the Abbot." Split up the dialogue. Good. 'Like that? 'I think I meant that you should put who said it with what they said Onepaw sat on the counter, half-grinning in a way that made her look like a maniac, or a killer. She accepted the tray handed to her by the mouse, Alta, who having gotten over her fight said "If you would not mind, we would appreciate you going away and not scaring the wits out of helpless mousemaids." No comma between maniac and or. Fright instead of fight. What Alta said with how she said it Onepaw couldn't help but smile at this as she slid off the counter. "Ah see ye's not afeared of meh anymur." She said as she walked by, Alta didn't reply, but as Onepaw went into Cavern Hole, she was wondering where in the world she got the courage to do that. She said as she walked by period should be with what she said. She wondered may be better then she was wondering. Onepaw wandered about Cavern Hole, noticing this and that, making mental notes on this and that. Her tray lay on a table, mostly forgotten. Finished with Cavern Hole Onepaw moved on to the Great Hall. KIU! Looking good! Sorry I took so long As she walked around, Onepaw noticed a tapestry with a picture of a mouse on it. The mouse was wearing armor and had a sword, many vermin were fleeing from him. Semi-colon instead of comma in second sentence "That is the founder of the Abbey, Martin the Warrior." came a voice from behind, Onepaw turned, and stared as she saw the strangest beast she had ever seen. She was slightly shorter than an average hare, not counting the ears, sandy colored with dark stripes. Capitalize came. Period instead of comma after behind. No comma between turned and and. Put comma and sandy colored "I'm a meerkat, the only one at Redwall. My name is Blossom." She smiled at Onepaw. Onepaw gave a nod in reply. "Mah nem be Onepaw, were ye be cumin from?" Blossom looked a bit confused Pretty good "You mean where was I born?" Onepaw nodded "Yis, da's whot Ah mean." Blossom shrugged, "I can't really remember, you see, when I was eight seasons my sister brought me here. Apparently I'd gone out of my head, I can't remember anything before waking up in the imfirmaty. My sister is mute, so she couldn't tell." ''You may want to put a period instead of comma after remember and start a new sentence. She'd gone out of her head? You mean gone crazy or lost her memory? Both, she'd gone crazy and then when she snapped out of it she couldn't remember anything.' Onepaw looked at the smiling meerkat, and idea forming in her mind. ''Must've missed this one: it should be an instead of an "Den, ye's knows da Abbey verry well?" Blossom nodded vigorusly "Oh yes! Very well." Vigorously instead of vigorusly. Period or comma between vigorously and the dialogue "Den, ye could show meh round? Relly well?" Blossom grinned "Oh better than anybeast else! Come on!" Period or comma between grinned and the dialogue Onepaw smiled evilly to herself, as the simple meerkat showed her around, showing her the Abbey. In more ways than one. No commas in the first sentence. Tad confusing. ''How so?' I threw in the 'simple' to get readers to understand that Blossom is a little bit stupid. I mean, she's showing a ferret around the Abbey! If you ment the 'In more ways than one' that will be explained later. Onepaw is just doing something nobeast else ever thought of.' ___________________________________________________________________________________________ Redwood moved about queitly and silently, going back to the location she'd killed the rat the night before. The body wasn't there, but a different vermin, again a rat, was there on guard. Clutching her dirk, Redwood moved a little, into a better position. The rat didn't notice, he was too busy jumping at shadows. Redwood picked up a stone and flung it, when it landed the rat jumped and pointed his spear at the general area it landed in. ''Quietly instead of queitly. Where she'd killed the rat may be better. No comma between little and into. Semi-colon instead of comma between notice and he. Flung it period and start new sentence "Who goes there?" He called, timidly as if he was afraid that somebeast would jump out and kill him. It wasn't to be yet, Redwood quickly clapped her paw over his mouth and pressed her dirk lightly against his neck. Pretty good "Makea soun' an' Ah kill ye. Nah, we's gonna go over were Ah want ta go, den yer gonna tell me if dis fren o' yers wuz on dat raid las' night." The rat swalloed fearfully. Redwood gave him a bit of room so he could walk and began marching him over to the bodies of the two vermin she'd killed earlier today. Swallowed instead of swalloed. Good job! KIU! Half-way there, the rat tripped over a rock, and with a small squeak of fear fell face-first on the ground, with a near-deathly cut on his neck rrom Redwood's dirk, wich she had jerked away as fast as she could. "Be's more curful." Redwood snapped, quietly as she pressed anouther tunic piece on the cut. " 'Old that." she whispered, as she scanned the immediate area for any helpful herbs. There was none that she could see. She let out a bit of a hiss, disapponted. "Lemme see dat." she said, still snapping at the rat. It nodded mutely and slowly pulled the makeshift bandage off. From instead of rrom, which instead of wich, watch the commas in the first sentence, No comma after snapped, disappointed instead of disapponted "If'ns yer curful, ye ough ta be ab'e ta ofer dere wi'out bleedin' ta death." She said, and pressed the piece of her tunic back on. "Nah, move!" she exclaimed, queitly. quietly instead of queitly, put this part up with the dialogue After getting to the place without any further incident, Redwood pulled the rat over to the ferret. "Was disun on da raid?" she growled. The rat swallowed agian, before shaking his head. "Ere ye sure?" Redwood demanded. The rat nodded. "Were ye there?" The rat shook his head again, violently. "Ere ye lyin' ta meh?" The rat shook his head even harder. "Ye ere! Yer lyin' ta me!" The rat looked panicky fearful, but he didn't shake or nod his head this time. Redwood thought a bit more. "Ye weren't dere?" she asked, the rat nodded, relived. Then Redwood nodded, and thrust her still-unsheathed dirk into the rat's chest. "Yer still vermin." she said to the body. Needs to be all split up for each new spoken thing. Agian should be again. Relived should be relieved. Redwood's getting violent. KIU!' Maybe for longer bits, you could underline the words that need to be edited. I couldn't find the agian. 'Okay Category:Behind the Scenes Category:Miscellaneous